what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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