yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he told me I talked like a deaf person
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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