she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I have peed in a lot of sinks
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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