Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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