you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
