Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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