i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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