What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
