I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
