He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
