Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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