I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize