Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
