the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
