Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
