They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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