if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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