She is in my trunk
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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