I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
