I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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