Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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