Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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