he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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