he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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