Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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