I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
