so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
