when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
