Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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