There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize