the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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