I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
