I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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