I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
