AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
