I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
