News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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