Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
