If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
