all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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