i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
