Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's blow job season.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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