We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
