what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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