good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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