ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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