Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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