By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
