if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
did i walk over a car last night?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
