Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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