if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
