my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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