You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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