The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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