I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
