I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
