I'd wear matching sweaters with you
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
