i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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