just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
