Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
