i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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