i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
