I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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