I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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