I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
