I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
bring money and cleavage
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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